"One Thing I Ask"

I am reading through the Bible chronologically right now. I am currently reading about David's trials and persecution under King Saul. It is very refreshing to read some of the Psalms that David wrote after reading about the context in which they were written.

David was basically a fugitive in 1 Samuel 20-24. Saul had sent men to ambush him at his home, so he took off and wandered around, living in caves and hiding from Saul. He had no home and no food; he had to ask a priest for consecrated bread. David was real in the midst of these trials; it is obvious that he was upset and hurt by his trial. However, David's desires in the midst of this trial absolutely floors me. He could ask for restoration to his home and his wife. He could ask for peace between himself and Saul. But this is what David requests: "One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple...I would have despaired unless I had believed that I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27:4,13). These verses really affected me as I read them this week.

David was not saying these words in some state of royalty and ease, but in one of desperation, loneliness, and poverty. It could be so easy for Him to have just said, "God, I just want this trial to stop. Please restore me to my home. Let me have something to eat. Enough is enough." No, David asked for God's presence and goodness, and he had unwavering confidence that he would experience that "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

There are so many things that I find myself asking the Lord for over and over again: a job, financial security, the joy of bringing my son home from the hospital for the first time, and many other things that are not bad in and of themselves. I don't have anyone trying to kill me, and I am not having to live my life in hiding as David did. I wish that we all could have the heart of David, having only one object worthy of our ambitions and pursuits, the God of immeasurable beauty within whose "presence is fullness of joy." Those other things, even the joy of looking at my precious little boy as he sleeps in my arms, cannot give such joy. But, they can be enjoyed all the more when God is our everything and His gifts, like Jonathan Edwards said, are like the "beams" of "the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow" (James 1:17b).

Hopes for the Near Future

We have been blessed by God's hand in our lives; I am especially blessed by the power of Christ which dwells in us in our weakness and infirmities (2 Corinthians 12--Check it out). I see nothing in myself for which I could take credit during these past few months. Christ has been my sustainer and my hope. I am thankful that He is faithful to forgive me of my sins when I confess them. Grace is deep and abounds for me, the most wretched, complaining sinner.



Our son, Isaiah, will be six weeks old tomorrow. He is doing pretty well, but the going has definitely been slow as we have longed so much for the day when our family is fully together. We are hoping to have him home in a month. That is my prayer. I have basically traveled to the hospital everyday for the past three months, a very long three months. It is so good to have Pam home, and I am thankful for what seems to be a speedy recovery for her. Joshua and Nadine have been through so much, and it breaks my heart that I haven't been able to create greater stability for my family. The next few months will definitely bring even more changes to our family, and I need to be faithful to pray for my children and shepherd them through those changes. It is easier to roll with the punches when you are older, but children love routine and normalcy; our family has definitely experienced no such thing in the past few months.

I have three weeks of school left. I am part of what is called a reduction in force (rif), so now my title has changed. I am no longer just an English teacher; I am a RIFed English teacher, running out my time. There is a decent possibility that I would get my job back; in fact, my district has to give me top priority for three years when they need to hire new teachers. However, I have informed my department chair that I will not be returning if they were to rehire me, and I have asked the best English teacher in the school to write me a letter of recommendation; he said he would write me a "glowing" one, praise God. I am thankful that God has given me the past three years to work with teenagers and make them appreciate literature that I found mediocre in high school. I am finishing up Romeo and Juliet and Taming of the Shrew with my students, and that has been a lot of fun to see them take an interest in these timeless plays. I do not know for sure what the future holds for me regarding education, but Pam and I have decided that it will not take place in Arizona.

We are taking a leap of faith similar to the one that we took about four years ago when we moved to Arizona: we are moving back to Spokane. Once our lease runs out at the end of July, we are going to head back to the inland northwest, our home. We love it, we miss it, and we have desired to return to it for over two years now. What I will be doing in Spokane remains to be seen. I do have some wonderful friends and family whom I know are, and will be, looking out for me. I do have faith that there will be some kind of work in Spokane for me because I am willing to do whatever it takes. We are so excited to begin this new chapter of our life.

I am looking forward to using my hip hop passion up in Spokane. Spokane definitely has an artistic side, and I want to use this "strange" talent of mine to proclaim the gospel during big community events. Open air hip hop. Also, Pam and I both have a desire to really look out for people who are new to church and reach out to them. It is too easy for us as believers to get comfortable with our circles and never look outside of those. We develop this Sunday routine of looking for the people that we already know. Meanwhile, people who are new to the church don't know anyone, and they stand around seeing people walk by them to go talk with their friends. We want to be sensitive to that for the rest of our lives.

As we wait out our time here, my hope is that we make the most of our time here. Leaving here will be very bittersweet because we will be leaving behind some very dear and valued brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to be a part of their lives up until the minute we leave here (as well as after we depart). I don't want to check out on our church or our church family since we know we will be moving. I am thankful for the internet and how that will keep us connected to our wonderful friends here in Arizona. I am still trying to figure out what to do for income from the time that school ends to the time that we move. I will also be actively trying to figure out exactly what I will be doing for work in Spokane during that interim.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. We look forward to what the Lord is going to do in our lives. It has been an amazing journey. Grace and peace to all.

When it rains...

Life has been so challenging, and it just got all the more difficult. The state of Arizona is cutting its education spending. State legislators are taking their sweet time letting school districts know exactly how much. They have until June 30th to make their budgets; unfortunately, school districts have a "responsibility" to inform their teachers whether or not they will have jobs next year by April 15th. Many districts are expecting the worst. It would be nice if the elected officials understood the ramifications of lolly-gagging around about their budgets, and it would be equally nice if districts didn't feel the need to do everything by the book when people's careers are at stake. Regardless, my district is letting about 200 teachers go, and I am one of them. Once they get their budgets from the legislature, they will probably try to rehire as many people as they can. However, I personally think it is ludicrous to expect people to sit around and hope they get their jobs back. People have families to think about and need to move on. I intend to move on. I know that sounds stubborn, but it is also stubborn for a district to not keep its word about doing all it can to avoid having to cut jobs. I would be fine if they waited until they knew for sure before they told me I didn't have a job.

It is very bittersweet for me. We have prayed for a long time about moving back to Spokane. Around Christmas time, we were pretty committed to doing it this summer. However, so much has happened since then. My wife had to be on bedrest in an antepartum room for seven and a half weeks before she had to have an emergency c-section to deliver our son, Isaiah, almost three months early. She lost her income, and I used up all of my sick leave taking care of sick kids while she was in the hospital. She and the kids qualified for state health insurance due to our circumstances. With all that has happened and the economy's current dismal condition, we decided that we would try to stay another year since I had a teaching job and since she and the three kids have free insurance. I had finally found a place where I enjoyed teaching. I actually looked forward to teaching there another year. I also looked forward to another year with sweeet and loving brothers and sisters in Christ from our church here in Arizona as well. I am so blessed by the way that they have loved my wife and my kids.

So, our plans are very uncertain. I am full of doubts and fears right now, but I think that this certainly opens the door, wide open, to return to Pam's and my hometown. It is the place where we want to raise our family and settle down. Arizona has been very lonely for me and a place full of what seems like endless trials. I know that there will certainly be trials in Spokane, especially considering the current economic predicament, but I am willing to do anything to provide for my family. I believe that there will be some thing--probably a number of things to support a family of five--for me to do as far as work is concerned. It is very scary. Health insurance is a huge concern. Insuring a whole family of dependents really drains your paycheck and feels like a superfluous expense until a family member ends up in the hospital. I will finish the school year, which ends May 22nd. Hopefully, Isaiah will be home at this point. After that, we have a little over two months on our apartment lease. I will try to find some kind of temporary work here (if that is even possible right now) to provide for our needs during that time. Unless some miracle, excluding Gilbert Public Schools hiring me back, occurs, we hope to move back to Spokane. Family has offered to help, and I so appreciate that right now; still, I long for the day when we don't have to live so much off of people's help. Once in Spokane, I will do what I need to do to become a substitute teacher and try to find an evening job as well.

Please pray for me. This was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. We have so much on our minds right now, and I didn't want to have to think about this right now. I have never felt as disillussioned about education in Arizona as I do right now, and I still have six and a half weeks left to fulfill on my contract. There is such a thing as teacher morale--sorry to those of you who think we are overpaid for the amount of time we work--and that morale has dropped greatly. The sadness on my campus among students and all teachers is almost tangible. I am very disappointed that I couldn't just finish the school year before finding out. Knowing that they are letting me go at the end of the year makes motivation all the more difficult. It was already difficult, having a newborn in the NICU. Pray that God would really open doors even wider to allow us to move back to Spokane confidently. Pray that God would continue to floor us in the way that He provides in unexpected ways. Finally, please pray for my mindset. I am very weary and worn out from the last few months. I am tired of people telling me about providence and God's hand in it because I already know that. That doesn't make anything easier when you are in the midst of the crucible. Please just pray that the Holy Spirit would convince me of those truths that God uses "all things." Right now, I so desperately wish I could see the use of the things we are enduring. I trust that the time will come on either this side or the other side of heaven.

Thank you for your prayers. They are much appreciated and needed.

Ten Years Ago

Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary from the day where God miraculously snatched me out of a worldly, hopeless, and--contrary to my perception at the time--Godless state of spiritual death. For those of you who don't know, in the months leading up to this point in my life, I was 20, looking forward to being of legal drinking age. I had always had that tendency to think that my life would be complete if this or that happened. 21 was going to be what completed me. So I thought; I was dead-in-my-sins wrong. God had been graciously showing me, in the days leading up to my 21st birthday, that the way of the world was futile. No matter how hard I would party, no matter how drunk or how high I could get, and no matter how many "friends" I had around me, I was never content; there was a part of me telling me that there had to be more to life than this. I would hear my friends boast about how many girls they were sleeping with as they went out to different bars and parties. It seemed like a vicious and empty cycle to me, fully devoid of any true companionship--and true love. Honestly, it seemed shameful and depraved. I now realize more than ever that God was exceedingly merciful in revealing that to me before I ever truly knew Him. Scripture talks of God giving people over to a sinful and depraved mind. My mind was certainly depraved, but the Spirit was obviously at work. So, my 21st birthday hit. I got out of work, went to my parents house for dinner, and watched the Gonzaga Bulldogs beat the Florida Gators in the Sweet 16 on a last second tip-in. I do get teary-eyed when I remember that game, but not nearly as much as I do when I ponder God's amazing grace toward me ten days later.

My parents bought some kind of hard cider to celebrate my birthday. They raised a toast. I don't remember the exact words, but I remember sensing deeply that my parents understood that I was now a man and that they were letting me go, trusting in the God to whom they had prayed regarding my soul for countless days, even years. As they let me go, my mind was on hitting the bar scene for the first time. All of my drinking buddies took me out over the next three nights. I don't even want to describe how ridiculously intoxicated I was. It didn't seem to wear off during the day. So, I had my initiation into the bar scene. I was apparently a very happy and entertaining drunk, but I don't remember any happiness or entertainment, just intense discontentment when I woke up and regret for the immense stupidity on my drunken behalf.

My bar scene days lasted ten days, by God's grace. It was a Saturday night, March 27th, and I was out with one of those friends who always showed up when he didn't have any money, alcohol, or drugs of his own--a mooch! I saw so clearly how I was this guy's launching pad to a great Saturday night. I had a full-time job and a lot of money for a single guy. That night, it became so clear to me how I was looking for a love that I could not find. I have always cherished loyal friends and companionship, and the party scene didn't offer any of it. There were plenty of people, but they didn't care about me; they just appreciated the shared thrills or whatever you want to call it. My friend and I headed back to his apartment after a good three to four hours of drinking (all on my tab) to meet up with a friend who had some weed. We smoked for a good hour. My head started to spin and the people in the room were like ghosts to me. I got up, said a quick goodbye, and, out of stupidity, got into my car and drove the two blocks from his apartment to my own which I shared with a Christian friend. I always made a point of getting home late at night so he wouldn't see me so drunk and stoned.

As I got out of the car, I vomitted everything that I drank that night into the parking space next to mine. I knew that I was one of the most pathetic sights on the face of the earth. When the vomitting ended, I walked toward my apartment, disillusioned with life and wanting to die. Little did I know that I was going to "die" the next day.

Sunday morning, March 28th, 1999, arrived, and I wanted to go to church. I had been going to church more regularly since I had moved in with my roommate. (I have recently talked to this now brother-in-Christ, and he told me that one of the young leaders at our church told him it would be a mistake for him to room with me. It was not! Praise God for believers who will go after those whom other believers label as hopeless tax collectors. This roommate also encouraged me to attend a college-aged small group. At this group, I was compelled to start studying the Bible so that I would understand what was going on when I attended. The leader of the group, who is now my brother-in-law, was the man whom God used to give me a desire to read the Word.) Let me get back to that wonderful Sunday morning almost ten years ago. I cleaned myself up, got into my car, and drove to church. I never prayed a prayer, but I definitely felt the Lord speaking to me. He told me that my life was going to be empty and even deadly as long as I kept running from Him and not surrending to His will and the Holy Spirit. Finally, I just said, "God, take me; I want to be yours. I can't do this on my own. Please help me! Please send me someone to show me the way." That was the pivotal moment in my life. Life had actually begun. Faith came by hearing and hearing from the word of God. This might sound corny to some people, but God really did send me a sign that morning at church. A godly man approached me that day and asked if I would like to start meeting with him on a weekly basis starting that afternoon. I was thrilled and said yes. God had heard my prayer and immediately sent someone to help show me the way. We went through some kind of book that dealt with confronting yourself for your sin, and it exposed me to lots of different jewels in Scripture. Finally, God was bringing to my redeemed memory verses that I had heard many times but never understood due to the lack of the Holy Spirit's illumination. God quickly helped me to understand a lot of Scripture and graciously caused those verses to bear fruit in my life. I am iron-clad proof of 2 Corinthians 5:17.

Almost ten years later--becoming a youth leader, going on two short-term mission trips to share the gospel in Europe, falling in love and marrying my soul mate, graduating from college, having our first son, moving to Arizona, becoming a teacher, buying and losing a home, having our daughter, living without my wife for eight weeks while she was stuck in the hospital, and seeing our beautiful second son born about three months early--I see so clearly that God is faithful to work in, through, and around us. He uses "all things" for our good and for His glory. He saved me. He chose me. He clothes me in His glory. I deserve none of this. All of these words are a testimony of God's grace in my life. I am a drunken, girl-chasing, self-pitying nobobody. He opened my eyes to the futility of this world. By Christ's wounds I am healed, and I am sealed by His Spirit.

Tomorrow, I hope to record a new rap song about the first ten years of my life in Christ. Please check out my music page and let me know what you think. Just to let you know, it is rap! I will try to have it up by tomorrow afternoon. God bless.

http://myspace.com/joshuagilchrist

Don't Take Anything for Granted!

My beautiful wife has been in the hospital for 38 days now. She is in good hands and is there for a good reason, but it has been the hardest trial that we have ever experienced. We have lived in a new apartment for five weeks now, and she has never stepped foot through the door. A house doesn’t make a home. I have done my best to be the father, husband, errand runner, and temporary worker at home that I can be without my wife. The support that she has been able to give with practical things that she can do from her hospital bed has been invaluable to me, not to mention the spiritual encouragement she has been.

Needless to say, my life has been completely consumed by working, taking many trips to the hospital, and caring for our family and home. We have had so much help from our church and from people at my work. We have needed every bit of it. Praise God for the way he provides for our needs. The children and I have been stricken with various ailments of the physical nature, and these have made the trial all the more difficult. I find myself relating to the passage in 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul asks God to remove his “thorn in the flesh” multiple times and God replies, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” I desire to also relate to the passage where Paul boasts in the trials so that “the power of Christ” might dwell in Him.

Earlier this week, I was reflecting on all of the things in my life that used to seem so easy and free. With our current situation, our lives have been anything but easy, and free time is sleep time. I find myself complaining and pitying myself because I am not able to do the things in life that I not only enjoyed but also the things that are needs like going to church and small group on a regular basis, especially with my wife. Especially as a family.

I think that I have rights. The only real right that I have can be inferred from my position as a human being, who, “by nature,” is one of many “children of wrath.” God, in His matchless mercy and grace, has blessed me not only with every spiritual gift in the heavenly places, but He has provided so many earthly blessings to me as well. I have not appreciated those things the way that I should. To quote some famous butt-rock song, “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.” Here are some of the things that I have taken for granted before this trial began:

1. I have not fully appreciated all that my wonderful helper, wife, and best friend does for me. Prior to this trial, she was pregnant, working part-time, taking our two kids to her mother’s before and after work, and making wonderful meals. I don’t know how you do it, Pam. I pray that I can be more of a support to her when God chooses to restore our family.
2. I have taken for granted the fact that every day there exists the opportunity to serve the needs of others. There are needy people all around. We often hear about the needs, and our hearts hurt for the people. We intend to do something, and we often say that we will do something. Unfortunately, we let “our” busy schedules or just “our” own preferences prevent those good intentions from bearing any fruit. I am ashamed at how many opportunities I have missed to just go, without the person asking me, to visit that person who is suffering and going through a trial, helping them in any way that I can. I hope to change this when God chooses to bring an end to this trial.
3. I have taken for granted the freedom to go into the world and preach the gospel. I am encouraged by the strategic ways that people in our church are going out and doing this on Saturday nights. I used to tell myself, about two to three months ago, that I would go out and join these men when we moved closer to town. All I had to do back then was drive 45 minutes. Now, I am the only person at home to watch the kids, so getting out is impossible. Thankfully, I live right next to a park where lots of families go to take the kids to play. There are opportunities for the gospel there. In addition, I am in a position in life that makes my co-workers cringe when I explain it to them. This is a perfect opportunity to tell them about the power of Christ sustaining me. God willing, I will be able to join my brothers in their strategic, God-glorifying efforts one day.
4. I have taken for granted the freedom I used to have to go to church as a family.
5. I have taken normal health for granted.
6. I have not appreciated the ability to spend time in the word uninterrupted or at a time when I am not completely exhausted and unmotivated.
7. I have taken for granted the opportunities that I used to have to care for my body by going jogging, biking, or hiking.
8. I have taken for granted the godly men, from my past, who would meet with me weekly and shepherd my heart in a personal way. I miss those days.

By God’s grace, these are some of the things that I have not taken for granted:

1. I have an indescribable appreciation for those from our church body who have deeply and personally cared for our needs. From an overstuffed refrigerator, to trips to parks with other families, to an anonymous gift of a ridiculous amount of money, to many visitors on my wife’s behalf, to babysitting, we thank you all and praise God for you all everyday. Thank you to each and every one of you who has genuinely labored to love us steadily through this trial. God is glorified in this.
2. My in-laws are amazing. I could not have asked for two better parents-in-law. They have done the most as far as caring for the kids go, and they have done it all in a joyful and willing way.
3. My parents and my sister have been faithful prayer warriors and lifelines during this time.
4. My brother, Chris Buckingham, in Seattle has been the closest friend to me during this trial. I praise God for the way that you are bearing this burden with us. It is evident through your phone calls and Facebook messages.
5. I appreciate everyone’s Facebook messages and encouragements. I could use some more.
6. Many of my sweet 9th grade students faithfully ask me how my wife and the baby are doing. This means so much to me.
7. My children, Joshua and Nadine, are the most amazing gift from God (I am tearing up as I type this). They are filled with joy, and they have been the easiest kids to have to deal with in the midst of this seemingly impossible task. I am their father, but they have inspired me. God teaches me so much through their sweet and loving dispositions.
8. I am thankful for all of the prayers that are being lifted up on our behalf.
9. I am thankful that God has placed our family in a position to be a testimony to the church and to the lost world even though it is an excruciatingly painful position for me.
10. I have learned to look forward to heaven, my true home, with longing and anticipation in the midst of suffering. It is a place where God will wipe away every tear, where we will be like Him because we will see Him as He really is, and where we will always be with the Lord.

I regret that it has taken a big trial like this for me to see so many things that I take for granted, but I rejoice that God is teaching me and refining me (hopefully). Take time to not only, but most importantly, praise God for who He is and what He has done, but thank Him for all of the blessings of life. Whether you eat, drink, sleep, share the gospel, go jogging, enjoy a ballgame or a cup of coffee, do all to the glory of God. Praise Him by acknowledging, in the midst of all of those things, that “Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow” (James 1:17).

Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.

Tears Refresh Like Rain

Sometimes, I feel dry or cold. I feel unable to be emotional and vulnerable even when I am all alone. I have often asked God to allow me to just be able to break down and cry and enter that state of total desperation before the Lord. Today, after about three of the most challenging weeks of my life, God blessed me with the ability to be able to cry. I know this post probably seems strange and absurd, but I am so thankful for tears today. It is almost as if my soul was a parched land that so desperately needed a rainfall from my eyes. Though I am still weak, I feel very blessed to have had a good cry this morning as I poured out my soul to God.

I hope this is a breakthrough.